Hace mucho tiempo, en una galaxia muy muy lejana…
Episodio I
Spoiler Wars
Existió un grupo de pendejos que trataron de espoilearle el Episodio VII de Star Wars a una alianza de quejicas llorones…
Los usuarios de Facebook se volvieron locos la mañana del 17 de diciembre de 2015. La razón era necesariamente Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Así como rebeldes e imperio, la comunidad se dividió en dos bandos: Los pendejos-espoileadores-pitos-chicos-poco-amados y los quejicas-me-quitaste-la-ilusión-lloro-un-chingo.
El primer bando, dícese de una coalición de seres con poca inteligencia pero de grandes recursos de distintas índoles como económicos o políticos que les permitieron ver la película en la premiere, la función de estreno o quizá hasta la bajaron dos días antes de Pirate Bay. El segundo bando, esos fans que lamentablemente no alcanzaron la primerísima función y que tuvieron que esperar a horarios o precios más apropiados, es posible que varios de ellos todavía ni siquiera la hayan visto hasta este momento.
Una vez que el primer bando vio esta esperada película, se dedicó a publicar de inmediato puntos argumentales clave en el desarrollo de esta nueva trilogía, se valieron para ello nuevamente de sus recursos como datos de su plan tarifario y de las múltiples redes sociales a su disposición. Mientras tanto, el segundo bando dormía plácidamente soñando con el combo conmemorativo o la réplica de BB-8 edición especial disponible en el cine, sin imaginar que al despertar vería su red social favorita plagada de spoilers. De inmediato surgió el conflicto.
No sé qué hay en la cabeza del primer bando o con qué intenciones casi narran toda la película -aparte muy pobremente-. Quizá su suprema ignorancia y simpleza se vea reducida al poder enterarse antes -unas horas- de algo que los demás no, y pese a no ser un conocimiento real o verdaderamente trascendental, tuvieron que presumirlo valiendo madre -pese a que tarde o temprano, todos nos enteraríamos de algún modo-. Así como presumen o dan cuenta al mundo de sus ínfimos logros, de sus cenitas y ensaladitas, de los kilómetros que corren, de cómo se sienten, de la música de mierda que están escuchando, de sus nauseabundas relaciones de pareja; su maldito ser incompleto que les demanda aborregarse, ajustarse y significarse a través de la opinión de otra gente igual de pendeja que ellos. No mamen.
Ahí te van los SPOILERS.
Por otro lado, no sé qué sucede con el segundo bando, si durante semanas previas al estreno estuvieron recabando toda la información existente relacionada con la película, no sé por qué se quejan tantísimo cuando un cretino les revela algún detalle, bien podrían no leer las pendejadas de sus contactos -¿seguirán llamándoles “amigos”?-, bien quizá pudiesen haber dejado su opiácea adicción a las redes por un día a sabiendas que se vendría la avalancha de spoilers. Lo que tampoco entiendo es el tamaño de la queja, como si en realidad conocer esos detalles les impidieran disfrutar de la magnífica obra que es Episodio VII, sería simplón y hasta estúpido de su parte dejarle la máxima carga de experiencia cinematográfica solamente a esas “sorpresas” ¿Qué hay con la narrativa visual, con la música, con el diseño de producción, con la actuación, con los efectos especiales y digitales? ¿Acaso eso no cuenta, acaso los cientos de personas que hicieron un valioso trabajo para esta producción valen pepino? No mamen, esto no se compara a la primera de nuestras desilusiones de la remota infancia.
Piensen en las generaciones que jamás han visto Star Wars, piensen en que algún día podrán ver la expresión de sus hijos maravillándose ante las revelaciones del Episodio V. Piensen cómo se sintieron cuando no hubo más regalos abajo del árbol de navidad… No sean cretinos, ni los unos ni los otros, busquen el equilibrio en La Fuerza.
Y para terminar les tengo un súper spoiler:
El Nuevo Orden Mundial, sus gobiernos colaboradores y los sionistas se apoderarán del mundo y lo peor, nosotros les entregaremos voluntariamente la mayor parte, cediendo nuestros derechos, nuestras garantías, nuestra privacidad y nuestra libertad. Ah, pero nadie se va a sentir desilusionado por eso, es más, a todos les vale tres pitos, seguramente no tiene la misma importancia que conocer el linaje dinástico de los Skywalker.
Lo importante es disfrutar del sci-fi: adentrarse… Críticos hay muchos y Lucas films creo que sólo uno en la historia de Star Wars. Je!
Me agrado su artículo. Saludos y que la fuerza les acompañe!
Muchas gracias por leernos, Yaritze, como dices, hay que adentrarse en la experiencia. Que la fuerza te acompañe.
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